My strength and my weakness

Well today I don’t know what to write and where to start. At times the kid in each one of us comes into action and we tend to do naughty acts or we cry or we laugh as if there is no one watching me, if at they are, they are going to do the same looking at my response. The kid in me today wanted me to perform some naughty act, the kid in me wanted to cry as I used to when I was hungry. Well I cry even now when I am hungry, as I never realize that I am crying because I am hungry. So when I call my mom and cry, she don’t talk, she asks one question “ khana khaya?” I will say “ nahi” and she will say “ pehle u eat something then we will talk” and beep beep beep…..phone gets disconnected. Intially I used to feel really frustrated and call back immediately and scream “ mujhe abhi baat karna hai ma” and later she never used to pick my phone immediately. aakhir mein beti hun to she is my mom and knows me better.

Every mom supports the kid, feels bad for the kid, but since my childhood, even if I used to suffer from fever, my mom would give me medicines and would empathize and never sympathize. As a kid I used to feel bad that mom never understands me. I must say, there have been so much of difficult times, mom would confidently say “ I will handle the situation alone” or “ everything will be fine”, her one strong statement, if not things were actually fine, we would make it fine because ma believes it would be fine.

And whenever we have to buy something’s, final approval used to be moms. So we would first convince pa and then three of us (me, Lavanya and pa) would set out in our own styles to convince mom. Right from car to a book, we would have to convince, however the intensity and time taken would differ. And in this whole story of convincement, I always was on the weaker or may be stronger; I don’t know how to put it. I never asked mom, I always told her, this is what I want, this is what I am going to do, on the other hand, Lavanya’s things always went with a question mark to mom, shall I do this? Shall I go there and then things would be freaky full of discussions and confusions as usual.

This time when I went to Delhi in April, things were different, a mom who always was strong and I look forward to in any difficult circumstances, was not the situation. Well I don’t know its because of ma or because of me as I said, this time I didn’t say I want this, or this is what my plans are like. And rather I also went and stood with thousands of question mark in my mind. Yes one thing I knew was, I don’t have to worry about home, ma would take care of everything’s, later I realized I don’t have to take care of me, ma. And believe me, this thought had changed my looks and approach towards my life. When I was going to Delhi I was feeling as though I am 30 year old and my life has come to end, just possessing responsibilities and tensions and ironically when I returned everyone commented, you are looking so young “ what did you do in Delhi” and my answer was “ I forgot all my worries”.

At the same time I realized, it not just me who look forward for something, but ma also looks forward for something from me and some different things from Lavanya (have to mention , being twins). She asked to me take her to flat which we had booked, or rather she wanted to show that to me. And to my ultimate disappointment I came back home screaming “ kahan gaon me jakar book kiya” and she said, “what can we do? You both (me and sis) were not here to take the decision and we had to take one”. I went quite…i realized she wanted my opinion too, not as always,just me wanting her decisions and looking forward for the strength, which she always gave us. And this time it was my opportunity, two days we searched out all options and had come to some decisions. Don’t know right or wrong, but its all our joint ones, so every one is happy.

But within all these confusions and mess I realized as much as mom is my strength, she is my weakness; through out my life,I told her everything, because I knew I was right. But then when i had to take my life's decisions,I got confused, I also went to her with a question mark about my life. By now she was so used to,of me telling her my decisions and always accepting happily , I realized mom expected me to tell all my major decisions of my life rather than asking her, so that she would happily accept them. By I thought mom would not like the decision and messed and later realized I who was her strength has become her weakness and she whom I thought to be my strength actually was my weakness that I took such decisions.

Well I thought I should dedicate a blog to my mother on this mothers day!and want to say “ mom you are my strength and my weakness too! I love you!” and she would never read this as she always look at my blogs and say “ bohot lamba hai re, I don’t want to read”. :-)