The reading window

I was sitting in my reading window, reading the book “wedding”, thinking how a person can re-love a person, as the author thinks to court his wife again after 30 years of their marriage.

Whenever I read any book, there have been people who are very close to me, has felt so frustrated and irritated that they would shout on me to stop it. But I can’t once I begin with a book. The reason for each member would be different in saying so. Parents felt that I ignored my studies or work; friends felt I ignored talking to them when I get lost in the world of books and my sis would often say, the book you are reading gets reflected in your language & attitude.

While reading I looked out of the window, and was wondering how has all this happened? The life, which has ever been so rough, the up’s and downs of life being so huge, yet I achieved everything, the way I wanted and all are living happily. I was sitting in the window wondering this when I was bought a cup of coffee and shooted with a question “Do you want to take leave and sleep or get ready and go to office? I smiled back saying I will go to office.” I managed to read the book all night and complete it. I wanted to celebrate my achievement than taking leave and sleep.

I knew it was out of frustration that he was asking this question, but I knew, Now that I have finished the book, few hours or may be few days and everything will be all right.

When we were driving down to office, he asked, what do find so interesting in the books that you feel like ignoring me? He doesn’t like reading novels; it’s all the management stuff or newspaper which he reads. I also read that kind of stuff; however with novels I live my life. I didn’t bother to answer to the question he asked, as I was still in the life of my novel and asked, “have you ever of thought of courting me again?” and he was in the normal world and didn’t answer back. Was a pretty normal reaction, I ignored his question and he ignored mine. :-)

The thought didn’t go out of my mind. The author was so romantic and I also felt I should do something to revive the dull life of ours, where we have lost the excitement of meeting which we once had.

Well it’s easier to give surprises to a person, whose reaction would be good, but as far as he is concerned, COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE. Well even I am, but my unpredictability is because of happenings around, which gets reflected in my mood. If I would go out for a team lunch, I would be happy when I am backing home. When I would have hell out of work, which I would have brought back home to complete, don’t expect me to be cool. But he was always unpredictable, irrespective of things around.

We don’t forget the special days like birthdays of each other like author did, but we don’t make them very special either, for once we used to. I used to think for months to do something special, and he used to always give me shocks on the special occasions as gifts, but I got so used to these that any shock no longer is shock for me and so isn’t there any excitement. We have two keys, so whoever would come home first would cook for both out of the defined schedule of menu, put in the wall of my kitchen. I know, throwing shoes or chappals off wherever in the house mean a fight next morning, as he is more of a cleanliness freak than me, and want them to be put in the stand as soon as we enter home. So I have got used to putting them in rack as soon as I entered.

But today I wanted to do something. Even if he was in bad mood after returning from work, I wanted to tell him, I don’t want to live life, I wanted to enjoy life. I messaged, “not coming home, staying at Radhika’s place, has all school friends meet at her home tonight”. It was normal for him, as I am used to staying at my sister and friends place during the cricket matches and at times their respective husbands would choose to stay at my home, so that we wouldn’t disturb them from watching match and they wouldn’t disturb our sleep or gossips.

I had decided to give him a shock, so almost after an hour of my usual arrival time, I reached home, opened the door with my keys and I banged on with his shoes, wanted to shout, but I smiled thinking he don’t keep them in rack in my absence. I opened our room door, and HE WAS READING the NOVEL “Wedding”. He looked up in shock and asked, “You were to stay at your friends home right?” I replied,” I was missing you, looking at the book in his hand”. Asked in complete shock “you are reading the book? He smiled back and said, wanted to know how the author courted his wife again. I couldn’t resist smiling and he didn’t stop with that, “by the way do you know I read all the books immediately after you finish reading them in your absence.” I was stunned, knowing him for so many years, I didn’t even think about this secret he had been hiding. I asked “but why” to which he said “wanted to know what do find so interesting in the books that you feel like ignoring me?” I said you can never understand that, and he pleaded and said, tell me why, I said “why I liked to read novel is see the frustration in your face, wondering I am neglecting you. So it’s not the novel that’s interesting but your reaction when I am reading them.”

Express what you feel. We develop understanding with time, but we can’t define understanding as love. Recreate love and relive your life again, as we have only one life by default, but to live again and again is the option left with us.

Note: The story is purely imaginative and any resemblance to any person or incident is fictions.

full on full stop's

Before joining wipro my take about my life was very casual and all my message and mails never ended with a full stop but went on with “……….” And can say, I was a full on full stopper. Even words never happened to have right spellings and I never cared. One fine day (assuming fine, it was rather superfine) I was asked to join the corporate world, the wipro world where life takes place on mails (about which I was completely unaware of).

When I was in college people and friends used to say “ long term relationships never works and I always opposed them or kept quiet and when I went on arguments they used to ask how can people be in a relationship without actually meeting in meeting person , just over the chats messages , calls and mail? I was like ……… as in I went quiet, without knowing what am I supposed to argue back. Let it happen with those happening and let it not with those it doesn’t.

After joining wipro, I learnt how to send mails, I don’t know if I actually learnt it right, but I can say I am managing to write mails and to say life, the virtual life is going on.

And today when I go back to read my blogs, I see the full stops….question marks ??????and letters and spelling difference. Blogs had thousand’s of these extra full stops and question marks. And now has got reduced to one full stop and one question in corporate style, and believe me for first few months, I used to feel so bad that my college never taught me email etiquette and wished they had so that I could have avoided this initial tensions of writing official E-mails.

And another fine day, I was sitting at office and readings blogs. Well that’s official blog site of wipro, that’s something we are allowed to and have access to. I always preferred to write my own blogs, but off late looking for some motivation and in search of topics to write, I started reading them. And today I came across an interesting poem whose title was “Ok, A full Stop”

As I was reading this poem I was thinking what if I put more than one full stop? And then I wondered more than one full stop leads to continuity. I just couldn’t resist but to open a word document (well I have become an excel’iite, I mean excel using person since the time I joined wipro), but today I opened word document and I had put one “.” In the first line and in the second line”……….” And I wondered on the full stop means end and full stop’s represents the continuity of life.

I started to think, what was the last thing in life that I had put a full stop to? Well the thing I am referring to is life’s instances and not the literary words. Ironically I understood that when I was casual (the person described in first Para), when my sentences never had a one full stop, but always had full stop’s leading to continuity , I was actually able to put full stops to real life situations. I was casual, but that attitude let me get over with something. People loved that Sharanya in me putting full on full stops… but giving a full stop to what she never wanted.

But now in reality, when i am not casual towards life, giving full stop only in sentences and talk to people with sympathy or empathy and not being casual, those whom I want to love me, hates me and I am in life not able to put one full stop in actual situation. I am clinging on to things, I want them to go one, move ahead the way I want, which never is, I am not able to control anything and I am not able to forget things or accept things………………….and finally the I am back to my full on full stops not because of casualness but out of frustration that I was better off with them rather than just a full stop in the sentences and not able to put full stops in life and start with a new sentence!!!!!!

But the perceptions once formed never changes, people here think I am one full stop kinds, and those of whom, who know me as full on full stopper, never think, I tend to change, reason I still don’t understand myself.

The full on full stopper in me had taught people to live, don’t just put one full stop….put more and see how life goes on…. made their lives move ahead, now they don’t understand that I am not able to put a single full stop because the full on full stopper got lost in this corporate world! I want full stops from your end to move forward in life but you have already put a full stop for me!

My strength and my weakness

Well today I don’t know what to write and where to start. At times the kid in each one of us comes into action and we tend to do naughty acts or we cry or we laugh as if there is no one watching me, if at they are, they are going to do the same looking at my response. The kid in me today wanted me to perform some naughty act, the kid in me wanted to cry as I used to when I was hungry. Well I cry even now when I am hungry, as I never realize that I am crying because I am hungry. So when I call my mom and cry, she don’t talk, she asks one question “ khana khaya?” I will say “ nahi” and she will say “ pehle u eat something then we will talk” and beep beep beep…..phone gets disconnected. Intially I used to feel really frustrated and call back immediately and scream “ mujhe abhi baat karna hai ma” and later she never used to pick my phone immediately. aakhir mein beti hun to she is my mom and knows me better.

Every mom supports the kid, feels bad for the kid, but since my childhood, even if I used to suffer from fever, my mom would give me medicines and would empathize and never sympathize. As a kid I used to feel bad that mom never understands me. I must say, there have been so much of difficult times, mom would confidently say “ I will handle the situation alone” or “ everything will be fine”, her one strong statement, if not things were actually fine, we would make it fine because ma believes it would be fine.

And whenever we have to buy something’s, final approval used to be moms. So we would first convince pa and then three of us (me, Lavanya and pa) would set out in our own styles to convince mom. Right from car to a book, we would have to convince, however the intensity and time taken would differ. And in this whole story of convincement, I always was on the weaker or may be stronger; I don’t know how to put it. I never asked mom, I always told her, this is what I want, this is what I am going to do, on the other hand, Lavanya’s things always went with a question mark to mom, shall I do this? Shall I go there and then things would be freaky full of discussions and confusions as usual.

This time when I went to Delhi in April, things were different, a mom who always was strong and I look forward to in any difficult circumstances, was not the situation. Well I don’t know its because of ma or because of me as I said, this time I didn’t say I want this, or this is what my plans are like. And rather I also went and stood with thousands of question mark in my mind. Yes one thing I knew was, I don’t have to worry about home, ma would take care of everything’s, later I realized I don’t have to take care of me, ma. And believe me, this thought had changed my looks and approach towards my life. When I was going to Delhi I was feeling as though I am 30 year old and my life has come to end, just possessing responsibilities and tensions and ironically when I returned everyone commented, you are looking so young “ what did you do in Delhi” and my answer was “ I forgot all my worries”.

At the same time I realized, it not just me who look forward for something, but ma also looks forward for something from me and some different things from Lavanya (have to mention , being twins). She asked to me take her to flat which we had booked, or rather she wanted to show that to me. And to my ultimate disappointment I came back home screaming “ kahan gaon me jakar book kiya” and she said, “what can we do? You both (me and sis) were not here to take the decision and we had to take one”. I went quite…i realized she wanted my opinion too, not as always,just me wanting her decisions and looking forward for the strength, which she always gave us. And this time it was my opportunity, two days we searched out all options and had come to some decisions. Don’t know right or wrong, but its all our joint ones, so every one is happy.

But within all these confusions and mess I realized as much as mom is my strength, she is my weakness; through out my life,I told her everything, because I knew I was right. But then when i had to take my life's decisions,I got confused, I also went to her with a question mark about my life. By now she was so used to,of me telling her my decisions and always accepting happily , I realized mom expected me to tell all my major decisions of my life rather than asking her, so that she would happily accept them. By I thought mom would not like the decision and messed and later realized I who was her strength has become her weakness and she whom I thought to be my strength actually was my weakness that I took such decisions.

Well I thought I should dedicate a blog to my mother on this mothers day!and want to say “ mom you are my strength and my weakness too! I love you!” and she would never read this as she always look at my blogs and say “ bohot lamba hai re, I don’t want to read”. :-)

Change managers

Change management was a topic about which I had studied during my post graduation and can say I am experiencing it real time now. Today being in office when I see a lady boss, handling so many men working under her, I seriously admire that fact.

O.k. a warning in the beginning of my blog, for men, please don’t read this blog, you would hate it in the end.

Well the first two sentences were absolutely irrelevant, but now that I have given a warning signal to men, I can bring the relevance that women are better change managers as compared to men. I see women handling changes every day in their lives, they have to change the recipe they cook every day, but men take the same route to drive down to office, assuming that women cook at home and men go to office. But in today’s scenario when women also go to office (going to office is a change in the lives of women as compared to prehistoric days) which we have accepted as easily, but can men stop going to office to manage household like women? If they can I would say men are better change managers.lol

As usual changing on from the title and moving on my favorite topic of matrimony, a subject I love to write on, but hate to discuss on. What are the changes that a woman has to face when she gets married unlike men? Lately I had by mistake discussed same topic with a friend and he came to defend, it is as difficult for men after marriage to handle things as women. My next question was like how can you prove? And the answer was to balance between his family and wife. Ha! One thing and that too men can’t do, I am sure and that’s the reason that a mother in law and daughter in law often land up fighting, unlike a son in law and father in law fighting. Have you ever heard of the second scenario dude?

Change of house, change of family members. Change of maid. Maid is person who is very close to a woman after her family, even before husband. At times there is also a change of place, if not then at least change of route to go back home every day. Change of daily routines, no two families can have same schedules and routines ever. Change of eating habits. Above all the biggest change, you have to handle one more person other than your own self, as the person has been handled by mom throughout these years.

And the irony is mother of the guy becomes possessive that the girl is replacing my position. I swear mothers of the guy are far more confused these days than ever. They don’t know what they want. If they don’t allow the girl to work, the mother in-law ego gets hurt, and if she does, the mother ego of hers is hurt. But as I said women are change managers, mother in law being women changes or the girl changes, one has to win, whoever it may be. But hello, the fight is on because of a guy, who must be happily watching match, eating and drinking as though nothing on this earth has ever changed and wondering why these two women are fighting, never able to solve the fight.

Cool yea I am able to write so well on this topic of marriage that I will win over shobha de’s book on truth about marriage! ;-)!

Diverting from the topic of marriage, in real day life, it is said women are the best managers as they play multiple roles of a mother, daughter, wife, sister and many more. Yes I agree men also have equally many roles, but I am talking about managing the roles and not just possessing the roles. How is managing and change related? Well the fact managing each role requires a woman to change her role, which happens within fraction of seconds while performing the tasks. In office ask a man, to control his smoking habits, a change, he can’t do. You impose thousands of rules for men to change their habits, but nah! They would find some loopholes and time in between to continue with a habit, which is so very bad for them. Alright, can say that’s not a habit that we are trying to change but an addiction, and so can’t be changed. How many of you can change your topic that is talked with colleagues every day? I absolutely have no idea, of on what topics men talk, but we women can talk on thousands of new topics every day. Change! Yes change management in terms of topic which on the other hand changes the mood and we don’t need a holiday that changes our mood!

Make a man sit in front the system and observe what he does? No change in what he did yesterday or the topic he searched yesterday. But women can search thousand different topics, and that’s what enhances our creativity and innovation. Change leading to creativity. But men can’t change, so no creativity.

And now above all, after warning I have made, there would have been men who would have read the blog, because as I said men can never change!!!!!!